5.9.11

Unknowing

...If only it was possible to see the 360 of each and every scenario. There'll be no doubts, no suspicions, no unnecessary thoughts. The world would be a better place really. I wish I knew all the sides to all that has happened to me, the way I do now for one. It really changed my views on certain issues completely. If I had known what was going on then, I wouldn't have been such a whiny retard weeping and feeling sorry for myself, completely oblivious to the pain and worry I'm causing my loved ones. I would have forced myself to be stronger, regardless of what was thrown at me. But, I swear. I really didn't know then. I was completely clueless about what they thought, what they felt, what they said, what they feared. All I cared about then was my own pain and fears. More painful than my own anguish, however, is the suffering of those I love and cherish the most. I feel somewhat ashamed of the way I used to feel and think now. How I allowed my emotions to be controlled by such selfish thoughts. It's all good now, though, and I'm glad to have done what I did, no regrets. With the discovery came knowledge and understanding. And repentance and forgiveness from my side. I know now that I love and trust you more than ever. And if there would be anyone I'd want to spend the rest of my life with, it'd be you.